Not you. I’m not talking about you, or anyone else. It was a song that popped into my head today when I realised my current motivations for running right now.
It’s 3 months since the horrible back pain and leg pain. It’s gone and my dissertation is finished and I’ve reopened my physiotherapy clinic in new premises (yay!). Despite the back injury lots of good things have happened. I passed my masters, I found a new place for the clinic and we went on an awesome holiday as a family.
Family holiday meant summer clothes like shorts, dresses, shorts and *gulp* swimsuits. And while I had a lovely time on holiday with the boys and with my husband I discovered that three months of being unable to exercise and keep myself fit had taken it’s toll. Clothes that I took away with me were snug. I hadn’t tried them on before we’d headed off, I just grabbed my usual holiday outfits, chucked them in the case and away we went. Things were tighter around the waist and I could feel my thighs rub together when I was wearing shorts. When I wore my swim suits I was self conscious and instead of giving myself up to the wild abandon of playing with my children in the pool I was making excuses not to go. I didn’t like that I was feeling like this and started to judge myself for those feelings.
The holidays have now finished and this week I have made a conscious effort to get back into things. The pain and stiffness that I had has subsided enough for me to gently edge myself back into some exercise. A few weeks ago I started practicing Pilates to feel stronger again. On Monday I tried the rowing machine and I felt okay. Today I tried my first twenty minute run. It was a relief to be able to put on my running shoes again but there were things that I didn’t like: the top of my capris felt taut across my stomach, my top that usually swings about was like a body con dress and I could feel things wobbling, caused by my forced inactivity and the resulting loss of muscle bulk. It upset me because my body hasn’t felt like this since I had my second child. And then I was a bit more upset that I was being so vain which is when that Carly Simon classic popped into my head. I then judged myself for being so vain. And then I realised I’m only human and this is just the start and hopefully where running and exercising are concerned it will start to get better and I’ll start to feel better abut myself again.
But I ran…..yay!